Tuesday, 18 December 2012

in the castle: decus et tutaman

Mama ?
Yes Eustachia ?
Have you seen these new coins ?
Why yes child
The Archduke showed me yestereve
Mama they are totes hideous
For once we are in accord child
These debased designs make a mockery
Of our Gracious and Noble Monarch
But Mama who permitted this atrocity ?
Do you remember that strange vizier
From the far northern wastes ?
The fat one whose children stood on tables Mama ?
Even so child
He sought to suborn the institutions
Of our fair society in manifold ways
And wreaked havoc at every turn
His final act of spite was to bastardize
The coinage in a cunning way
So that the Sovereign's countenance
Is dissected in the manner of a child's puzzle
And likewise the puissant emblems
Of our dear nation are
Dismembered and mocked
Mama what punishment has been
Devised for this quisling ?
Has he been torn limb from limb
And cast into the Waste of Beeb ?
Perhaps he awaits the Question
Even now in the Royal donjon ?
No child he waxes even fatter
On a generous pension
In his cold boreal fastness
Yearning to return South
And complete the destruction
Of our hard won freedoms
Mama this passeth understanding
Forsooth child

in the castle: shaman yew

Mama ?
Yes Sensimilla ?
May we visit the shaman in the hollow yew today ?
After tiffin child
The Monsignor is coming to show me his new incunabula
May i bring Pasticia along Mama ?
She has never been before and is very interested
In the rituals which i described to her
Of course child
I remember when her brother underwent the manhood ritual
With the previous shaman
It was unfortunate that the knife slipped
At the crucial moment
Still he seems quite happy as a flower seller
And the new shaman is much more reliable
Here comes Pasticia now Mama !
Hi Pasts !
Your facemask is totes awesome !
Mama says we may go to the shaman together
Yes she did mention that
Poor Rambutan
It must be difficult for him
Anyway i am looking forward to the reindeer ritual
The one i told you about ?
Yes that's right they pass the bowl around
And you have to take a deep draught
Last year was my first time and
I was a bit worried what it would taste like
But actually it is quite sweet and slightly bubbly
After a few minutes you feel weird
And start to babble nonsense
And then the dancing begins
Yes but everyone takes their clothes off
So it is not embarrassing really
Although Mama does look like a deflated whale
After the dancing there is like a barbecue ?
Mainly reindeer steaks and badger sausage
I am sure there is a vegetarian option as well
Perhaps fern salad and acorn mayonnaise
Then everyone crashes out inside the yew tree
Yes there is a lot of that too
I hope that Ulli the reindeer herder is there
He is totes hot and can show me his antlers any time
We are ready Mama
Hi Monsignor

Tuesday, 11 December 2012

in the castle: a time of gifts

Mama ?
Yes Barbula ?
What would you like St Nicholas to bring you this year ?
Well child some candied sea holly would be splendid
Or perhaps some cat cheese in a raffia basket
And for yourself child ?
Mama i would love you erm St Nicholas to bring me
The latest model of zoëtrope with eelskin skin
Super fast clockwork and hollerith card memory
All my friends have them and laugh at my basic model
Honestly child these gadgets are the devil's playthings
Distracting young people from their schoolbooks and
Household duties
Last week Dorcadion the pargeter's son was drowned
Whilst playing with his zoëtrope in a stolen coracle
Mama that is so unfair
Dorcs was a brave sowja
And a legend in the posse
It is natural selection at work child
That drug-addled layabout has been removed from the gene pool
Before he could perpetuate his worthless genome
Harsh Mama harsh
And how do you know that he did not undergo zygosis
Before his untimely departure ?
Barbula ?
Inspection in five
Yes Mama
Or should that be Grandmama ?

in the castle: disambiguation

Mama ?
Yes Lepisma ?
Is it true that the great god Pan is dead ?
He has certainly been keeping a low profile child
Why not visit his sacred laurel grove
In the secret cleft above the roaring waters ?
Top idea Mama
I shall take Coccinella this afternoon
She is a great Pan fan
Very well child
But do not forget to take a dish of kolliva
To placate the god if he is still there
Pan is not the most rational of deities
Also you must disguise yourself as boys
So he is not tempted by your girlish charms
Well Coccs already has a moustache Mama
So she won't have any problems
I shall borrow Tenebrio's trousers
And Uncle Hylobius' deerstalker
Old Pan will not feel the slightest
Urge when he sees us
If Pan does turn up would you
Please ask him to assist with my woe ?
Here take this golden wasp
And ask his blessing on it
If he is not there then cast
The wasp into the roaring waters
And ask the nymph Aegina
To provide relief for my ills
Why do you not just go to the doctor Mama ?
I am sure that antibiotics would help
And also cutting back on the gin
Would immediately ease your woe
Wretched child my woe is beyond
The reach of mortal man to cure
And i only take a tincture
To soothe a mother's heartache
When she sees the waywardness
Of her ungrateful offspring
Whatever Mama
Here comes Coccinella
Hi Coccs !
Your moustache is totes awesome
I wish i had one like yours
Mama says we may visit the grove of Pan
In the secret cleft above the roaring waters
It will be giant fun
Have you never seen a deerstalker before ?
Everyone on the zoëtrope is wearing them
These flaps come down and cover your ears
No my boyfriend lent me these trousers
Yes his name is Lucanus
I'm sure i told you
He is totes hot
And works in the stables
Let us depart to find the goat-footed one
Farewell Mama
Yes i have the wasp in a safe place
Laters innit

Friday, 7 December 2012

in the castle: wyrm

Mama ?
Yes Lachesis ?
Is it true that a mighty dragon
Dwells in the Waste of Beeb
Beyond the hallowed groves
Of the honey druids ?
There are many stories
Concerning that terrible place child
It is best avoided even in daylight
At night who knows what horrors
May stalk the lonely traveller ?
But Mama surely people do not
Believe in such nonsense any more ?
Ghosts, goblins and dragons are just
Inventions of primitive folk who
Do not have the benefit of trained minds
Do not sneer at the uneducated Lachesis
They breathe the same air as us
And their homespun beliefs help
Them sustain a life of hardship
Honestly Mama !
There are no dragons
And the druids are just exploiting
The simpletons who pay them
For their bogus magic
Hush child
Whereof we cannot speak
Let us be silent
Mama is that one of yours ?
Alas no child
The new schoolteacher dropped by
Yesterday in the forenoon
To pay his respects
A curious fellow Herr Ludwig
But very quotable
I have invited him to take tiffin
Tomorrow on the belvedere
Splendid Mama
I shall show him my prolegomena
One step at a time child
Yes Mama

in the castle: snow brings joy and danger too

Mama ?
Yes Pomacea ?
May i play outside with Muraena ?
Of course child
But wrap up warm
It is bitterly cold
And snow lays thick upon the ground
I shall wear my time helmet
The energy surging through the tubules
Will provide ample warmth for my melon
Be very careful child
If the setting is accidentally altered
The consequences could be tragic
Last year poor Pervagor the iceman’s son
Was burned to a crisp
Whilst playing with his sister’s helmet
Yes Mama you do not need to remind me
Thalassoma never tires of repeating the story
She should have kept her equipment
In a secret place like i do
Here comes Muraena
Hi Murs !
You look totes awesome in your bear suit
I am wearing my time helmet to keep warm
Here why don’t you try it ?
If i adjust this dial here the wavelengths increase
Or is it the other way ?
Help Mama !
The dial is stuck and i cannot undo the straps !
Muraena has been teleported to the future
Foolish child
You will have to explain to her mother
Mama i feel so stressed
This is totes unfair
I insist on counselling to help me overcome
These challenges to my self esteem
It is my right
Yes Mama

Tuesday, 4 December 2012

in the castle: prosciutto cotto

Mama ?
Yes Gioconda ?
Avrebbe un tavolo vicino alla finestra ?
Smoking or non smoking ?
Nell'ala per non-fumatori per favore
Potrebbe shutto uppo bambina ?
Sorry Mama
I just feel so in love with Italy
Her vibrant tongue is so stimulating
I see that the new stable boy is from Naples
Si si Mama Rococo è molto simpatico
Allora un uomo, una donna c'è amore !
I shall have to explain to Signor Rococo
That his riding duties do not
Extend to my daughter
Mama our love is puramente Platonico
Rococo is only interested in my mind
It is unworthy of you to apply your own
Base standards to our elevated relationship
He sings beautiful Neapolitan arias in the moonlight
And melts my heart with his mandolin
Tomorrow he is going to show me his Pecorino
Basta !
Nello belvedere pronto
Si Mama
C'è un tragitto panoramico ?