Saturday, 14 January 2012


So Mr Bond
You are getting on a bit;
Born in 1920 or 1921
Like so many Scorpios you are powerful and magnetic
Determined and passionate;
You are in your early nineties
But still able to kick ass across the globe
After all these years...

James you were named for a Jamaican ornithologist;
Commander Fleming brought you to life in 1953 in Casino Royale
Since then your silver screen career has flourished;
Twenty four films with Skyfall on the horizon
So many ladies, cars and guns
Countless baddies despatched with a droll quip;
Your boss is M,
His secretary the short-changed Moneypenny
With whom you exchange innuendos
But whose intray you never actually fill;
Not forgetting gadget man Q played by the excellent Mr Llewellyn,
Replaced regrettably by the strange Mr Cleese

Mr Connery is the iconic screen Bond;
He was a milkman and bodybuilder
Before strapping on that Walther PPK;
Your interpreters have also included Bob Holness ~
Your film franchise is a real Blockbuster
Many others have taken the part
Asking for that special martini
Winning thousands at chemin-de-fer
Before seducing a pretty lady upstairs

Pussy Galore, Plenty O'Toole and so many other ladies
With curious names enjoyed your licence to thrill
Sadly your embraces were often the prelude to a sticky end;
Jill Masterson was covered in gold paint like an Oscar
Which caused her skin suffocation
And her sister Tilly was brought down by Oddjob's hat;
Tracy Draco was Mrs Bond for a few precious minutes
Which was all the time in the world
Before Blofeld's minions cut her down
On a Portuguese mountain road

Your films went through a bad patch
When you were played for laughs
By the Safari-suited one
Just as Dr Who was ruined
By the giggling dwarf;
Mr Craig is made of sterner stuff
Although Mr Smith is a bit iffy

Dr Who has that unforgettable theme tune
A-womb-a-womb-a-womb-a-womb-a-womb-a-womb-a-womb WRONG BRA
But only the one;
The Bond films each have a specially composed introduction;
My favourite is the Goldfinger song;
Alan Partridge's too !!

Commander Bond
England has need of your manly skills
As never before;
There is a huge cavern under
A mountain in Iran
Teeming with evil technology
Which is ripe for your attentions
This time it is for real...

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